Class Party.

It was just another typical day in our classroom. Wait, no actually, it wasn't. My students were being abnormally quiet/productive/studious. I decided they had earned a "class point" for their good behavior.

Dumb, dumb, dumb idea.

You see, I wasn't paying attention when I awarded them this glorious class point. If I, in that split second before I opened my big mouth, had had the insight to look at the whiteboard, I would have realized the class had earned 49 points.

And so they earned magical number 50.

Cheers broke out. I got really nervous. Festive noises usually means someone has discovered a new bodily function in the first grade.

Thus, I give you the following conversation. I tried to remember it word for word because it was just too ridiculous.

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Me: OH guys, you have successfully earned 50 class points! Good job, so you've earned a class party.

'Jimmy': That is a MIRACLE.

Me: Does anyone have an idea of how we could spend our points and what we should do for our class party? Raise your hand, please.

Jimmy: Let's buy a Harp Seal!!

(for the record, we have been doing a study unit on polar regions)

'Hank': Let's buy a Wii!!!

Me: Does anyone have an idea we can actually do? These are class points, not dollars.

'Pat': I LOVE LLAMAS!!! Let's go to the Llama farm in Walla, Walla!

Me: Again, this is a class party guys, not a field trip.

Jimmy: Ice-Cream!

Pat: I LOVE Ice-Cream!

Hank: A Slip-N-Slide!!

----Much Laughter----

Pat: A Slip-N-Slide with ice-cream at the end of it!!

----Much Laughter, Lots of Clapping----

Me: I think maybe I should just come up with ideas for the class party and then we'll vote on it tomorrow.

Jimmy: (whispering to Hank) Do you think Seals like ice-cream?

10 Things I learned From Parent/Teacher Conferences

1) The mute kid's parents are also mute. Crap.

2) Happy, healthy marriages tend to produce happy, healthy kids.

Go figure.

3) My left hand is bare and all the recently divorced dads are noticing. No, we don't have end-of-the-year parent volunteer sign-ups. No, your kid did not in fact mention that you went to WSU back in 1997 for a couple of semesters. Actually, I was 9 at the time sir.

4) The kid who always has seventeen time outs in the day to "re-think about his choices" has 4 younger siblings. Perfect. Job Security. And gray hair. Hopefully for someone else.

5) Oh, your child has been telling you I haven't assigned homework for the last 5 weeks?? That's false. Your child is a very sweet, very pathological liar.

6) ADD is in fact, hereditary.

7) Report cards are a foreign language all of their own. And I can now read and translate this language upside down. In a soothing, comforting manner.

8) Hard conversations are hard. No matter what. Trying to explain to a Mom with 9 kids that her son needs to repeat the first grade is like trying to keep the titanic afloat with a piece of duct tape. The issue is bigger, and goes deeper than I'm qualified, trained and mentally capable of going.

9) Your kid is getting a Wii if this conference goes well?! What in the sam hill...

10) I understand my students a thousand times better than I did at the start of this week. And, I need a glass of wine.