Yep. Its happened. I've copied the famous book and website. Only I've spun it Pullman-style. Enjoy. Or don't, you are the one who clicked the link though.... ;)
If you are offended by any of this satire, I recommend '
a) not being my friend on Fbook &
b) not reading anything I ever write, ever, ever again. Perfect.
**Note: If you are born after the year 1990, some of these references might be over your head. Sorry about that.
Stuff [Pullman] Christians Like:
1) Running.
Alone. Or with a partner. Marathons, half marathons or the recreational 5k. It doesn't matter, you are running it. You've ran on that path that parallels Grand, and its been awesome. Or not. And then you run around Pullman and you run the hills. And you kind of want to die on Stadium. But you keep running because its good for you and there are SO many comparisons to the Christian life that go along with running. You fill that ipod up with worship music and go. Or, like me, you fill your 'pod with pop hits from about a year ago and go like crazy. Soon you start sub-conciously guilt tripping your non-running friends by nonchalantly mentioning how often/how much you ran this week. You feel closer to God as you pump those arms and charge up that hill. Good job you health nuts, wave at your lazy friends at the Rec and get that oh-so-spiritual-runner's high.
2) Pumpkin Spice Latte's @ Starbucks.
I don't like coffee so this one's a little foreign to me but evrrrahbody I know who drinks that poison drink loves this Pumpkiny nonsense. So cheers to fall and everything autumn. And thanks Starbucks for inventing one more addiction, like we needed it.
3) Mark Driscoll and/or Rob Bell.
I find that like Twilight, there are kind of two teams. Only there are no "Team Driscoll" T-shirts. 'Cause that's idolizing and we don't do that stuff 'round here. There's the Mars Hill Junkies who admire everything that comes from this holy hipster factory in Seattle. I admit, I'm one of those.
And then there's the other side who admire/love Rob Bell 'cause he writes cool stuff and has fancy books with awesome pictures in them.
Sometimes there are people who like both. These individuals also have trouble deciding which hair products to buy because everything looks great. Anyway...
4) Shopko.
Okay, no one actually LIKES Shopko but until super obnoxious Wallyworld opens October 27th across from Safeway, its all we got. But admit it, you buy a lot of your ish at Shopko and you therefore appreciate it. Barely. The alternative is driving all the way to the "Palouse Mall" in Moscow. Another real classy place.
5) Palouse Treasures.
Speaking of classy places. This place has it all--cheap furniture, outstanding Halloween costumes, Christmas decor, and the occasional random item that will make your life complete for 29 cents. Customer service isn't bad, just ring the bell. Or stand there awkwardly until someone comes to help you. Your choice.
6) Coffee Shops.
Starbucks.
Daily Grind.
One World in Moscow. *Cough*amyloncon*
Cafe Moro.
Zoe's Underground.
And so many more. You've hit them all up. Study time, yea right. You enjoy the free wireless and cool coffee shop vibe. Plus, God gives out bonus points to anyone who reads their Bible in public at a coffee shop. Or so I've been told. Guys, you've met a girl there for "coffee"...need I say more? :)
Daily Grind and Starbucks are my two favs. I sit in Sbux for approximately 12.7 seconds before someone I know walks through the door. Its great. I go to Daily Grind when I actually need to study. I hole myself up in that very back room with the couch and hide from the world for hours at a time. I've had some pretty spectacular Qiuet times at DG. Don't even get me started about PEANUT BUTTER FROSTS. Peanut Butter Frosts > just about anything else.
7) Judging all the Pagans at Football and Basketball Games.
You count the number of times the guy behind you says the F word. And then you roll your eyes at your very ethical friend next to you. 'Cause this guy is just *such* a sinner. FACT: We're all sinners and he's a Coug. Doesn't make him any less obnoxious but Jesus died for the guy who only speaks in expletives too. I'm the worst at this, trust me.
8) Dance Parties.
Right now a Lady Gaga song just started playing in your mind. Perfect. You have had the most fun at dance parties, and to be honest, at one point during Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" you really just let go and belted it. I think part of this can be attributed to Matt Ogurkow. His love for Backstreet Boys and N*Sync was infamous. In the best way possible of course.
Basically, you've let loose to Chris Brown's "Forever" way before that YouTube video came out and then the Office redid it. You've also worn something absolutely ridiculous to a dance party. My worst/best was a pair of little boy's tie-dye chonies. Worn on the OUTSIDE of my jeans, thank you very much.
9) Camp Sanders. Wooten too, but mostly Sanders.
I've made all my major life decisions at a Campus Crusade retreat or conference. No joke. I think Camp Sanders is my personal fav. though because there is always this excited anticipation for the school year that is just starting. Dino nuggets are the best. Hands down. Nutritionally pointless however. Giant, outrageous, face melting camp fires. Everybody-Cries-Their-Eyes-Out Saturday nights. Busting out your flannel (for those of you who don't wear it all the time like yours truely) or just busting out your crew neck sweatshirt over and over again all weekend. Super cold showers. No matter how early you get up. Man time. Whatever THAT entails. That half an hour where you get real with the Lord and He gets real with you. Jackpot.
10) The Doughnuts at Real Life.
'nuff said.
11) Wearing a Completely Non-Sexual Halloween Costume.
Because Pullman turns into Victoria's Secret on Halloween, we Christians try to counter-act all the sensualness by wearing a funny costume that is completely unattractive. This one actually might just be me...yea, I think this one is just me but whatevs, I'm the one writing this. I can say whatever the heck I want.
12) "Meeting" People at the Cub.
Its centrally located. And you can be obscure enough if your friend that you are supposedly meeting doesn't show up 10 minutes early like you. You like to people watch too, while you are waiting. Turn in any direction and someone is having a super intense convo. And hey, didn't that guy walk by two times already? Dude, find a place and wait it out, you look ridiculous wandering around making awkward eye contact with every single person in this joint.
13) Tyrone Wells.
He's from Spokane. He's legit, and getting more famous. He's got that super cool vibe that you can study too or picture yourself in a movie with his soundtrack playing. Okay, that last part is definitely just me.
14) The Karate Kids at the halftime of Cougar Basketball Games.
I'm signing up my future children for Karate for sure. These kids kick butt, literally. When the little girl punches the bigger boy in the you-know-where, its just about the best thing you've ever witnessed.
15) Experiencing all of God's wonderful weather, in ONE day.
It snowed in the morning. Hailed a little too if we are honest. Then it rained, and then the sun came out. And now its almost 80 and your eighteen layers of clothes are clinging to your sweaty back because you are trudging back home to change out of your snow boots. The girl with the UGG boots and shorty shorts walks by with her Homecoming sweatshirt on, and you are suddenly regretting wearing your long underwear when a tankini would have been ideal.
16) Swing Dancing.
Its wholesome. Like a cold glass of 2% milk. Its a good, clean (somewhat sweaty) fun time that only costs 5 bucks. Driving to Moscow and back with your friends is half the fun. Learning to dance is tough at first but once you're good--you're golden. Cowboy boots, jeans with the buckle. Meeting all the U of I students. Watching other people make fools of themselves, what's not to love? Nothing. Everything about swing dancing is awesome. Join the fun.
